& another facade

2011-12-04T21:26:00.002+08:00

who would know i'd end up here again this year.

i thought i was happy enough, but i guess i was wrong.

can i re-emphasise the things that i hate most:
1. being cheated
2. being accused

i hate the feeling i get when things like these happen. i thought i wouldnt have to go through all the pain and uncertainty again. but boy i was wrong.

they were right, things changed. they changed. he changed.

all the excuses, all the accusations, all the double standards.
they are starting to get me down. it sucks big time. i feel so worn out.

i thought it was exams pulling my mood down, but i suppose not. i think i'm tired of worrying. i'm tired of living up to expectations. and i'm tired of feeling cheated and accused.

i cry, not because i am upset.
most of the time, i cry because i am indignant. or that i am just too fucking pissed to utter a word anymore. it is supposed to be an act of protest, not a sign of weakness. my glands are hyperactive, that i admit. but i can't help it can i? WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO BE SEEN CRYING.
but it seems like you think otherwise. stop trying to stop me from crying. don't you know that you end up making me cry harder? AND I DONT CRY TO ATTRACT ATTENTION. i just need to get all those horrid emotions out.

and it seems like you are more interested in helping other people than salvaging your own.

i know right, things aren't as perfect as they seem.

2011-01-31T00:06:00.000+08:00

damn fucking pissed.

2011-01-01T11:54:00.002+08:00

things are getting awkward when they shouldn't be. i want to ask but i'm scared of the response. what if that jeopardised our friendship. 3.5 more years to go eh.

oh well, i shall just wait then. so it wouldn't be my fault this time round.

2010-12-09T14:37:00.002+08:00

ok i swear this is damn stupid. i had to change my password for the nus portals. and i kept changing and changing and changing but the bloody system kept saying that my passwords do not fit the security criteria.

and i got irritated.

after a while i decided to try it with his name. and voila,

your password has been changed successfully. WHAT THE FUCK. now i can't change it until next sem. brilliant weini, you do the smartest things sometimes -.-

2010-12-01T00:15:00.002+08:00

i feel like just breaking down and cry.

or just die.

(i think this is my first suicidal thought)

if anyone is reading this. i've a will in my other blog drafts. it contains all i want to say/ give.

2010-11-25T23:40:00.003+08:00

i like the distance; it helps me let go.

i told them that when they see those things disappear, i'm free from my own mental clutches. they laughed and call me a stupid little girl.

but i guess i'm going to give them a scare next tuesday; for i removed everything. and i mean every single thing. no, i didn't exactly remove them, i just remove them from my sight. the lesser the memories, the better it is.

for everytime when i think everything is fine and going on well, some little bird has to come and whisper to me. to tell me that all i'm doing is dreaming. nothing is real.

it seems like for every day that i'm happy, it is accompanied with 3 days of sadness. why. must be bad karma.

this time i am going to practice self-discipline. i'll do it. i'll keep quiet. i'll not annoy. i'll just stay in my little corner.

my little corner where i'll draw circles. and pretend i'm non-existent.

2010-11-18T23:20:00.002+08:00

so i've made my choice. and i guess, no one can change my decision right now.

am deliberating if i should have told people, but on hindsight, maybe letting things stay as it is, will be better.

i like having time to think and process. time will help us get used to new ideas.

and time will allow me to cram more things into my head.

i don't understand how i could sit so calmly and watch the asian games for the whole fucking day. BUT IT WAS WORTH IT.

2010-11-16T23:16:00.002+08:00

sometimes i wonder.

can i just stop here. like throw away those notes and be brave enough to walk into the examination hall.

like what i did for mid terms. which i regretted after results were out. i don't dare to do it again.

but i'm really tired already. i don't know what to do now. exam is in a few days time and nothing is getting into my head. people are constantly smsing and calling me to check on my progress.

and then offering help. which is really sweet i feel really touched. but at the same time, i don't even know if i can make it.

i've never felt so stupid and helpless in my life before.

dear blog, take these insecurities away from me.
alternatively, you can return me a best friend who'll tell me everything is ok.

2010-11-14T23:46:00.002+08:00

life is a journey too long and arduous to be undertaken by any person alone. this is why we have family, friends and a soulmate, or so they say.

they help to make the journey seem less daunting; they help to make the journey worthwhile. but sometimes, they add more difficulty to the already challenging task.

what to do.

they say that if you dash into aircon after sweating from vigorous exercise (damn hot), you'll fall sick. they say that if you eat laksa and icekacang together, you'll fall sick.

similarly. when someone blows hot and cold at me, I FALL SICK. that's how things are. that's how things will be.

i need oxytocin right now. ok screw that, maybe i just need panadol.

OH SHIT. i deleted the sms which was supposed to motivate me, fuck.
even though mummy's really mean to me in school, he's very nice actually ): he told me to study hard, and get through finals. then he'll go sing overnight kbox with me! and then he told me to ask him if i have any questions. (GANDONG ALR). and then recently he told me,
"i thought jc will be the most fun days in my life alr. but coming to uni and meeting you, i think things are gonna be different from what i thought."

HAHAHAHA ME LIKE MY FAKE MUMMY MAX.

(come to think of it, i changed the genders of two guys in my og alr LOL.)

2010-11-09T00:45:00.001+08:00

just when i thought ______________,

you had to ________________.

but i'm okay.

& even if i'm not, i'll be okay.

simply because, i'm a stubborn ego girl who wouldn't let anyone see me fall.

and i actually showed it to ______________.

goodbye world.

2010-10-17T00:07:00.000+08:00

i don't like it when i have to move over to this space. it usually means that i'm upset, no?

not really.

i've got alot of things to say. but i don't know how to. guess i've buried everything so deep, i have no idea how to get those things out. i don't know where to start. i don't even know what i'm feeling now.

i don't know what to do. ahma called me yesterday and i told her everything. every single thing that happened recently. and she asked me, "so what's the situation now?" i don't know how to answer her.

"then what are you planning to do?"
i would have answered, "nothing."

i don't even know what i'm supposed to do now! i mean, if all these signals that i'm getting are not real. i can just die. (ok no i won't die, but you get what i mean.)

IN ANY CASE. I'M JUST WAITING FOR MY STUBBORNESS TO KILL ME.
so... just let me be.

2010-09-25T17:07:00.000+08:00

right, everything feels like a dream to me.
did it really happen? but i thought, i felt the sense of familiarity.

my gut feeling is very strong and accurate. even though it felt really good to be back in those arms, and it felt really nice to know that i'm not fighting this emotional battle alone, i know you too well. too well to know that, you're already starting to regret telling me those stuff, and that you don't really want anything to come out of this.

we're just going round in circles. and how awesome, i'm back to square one again. i don't want to be here. i need something more.

& i can feel it coming. should i bang another potential catch, just for you?
a few months back, i was still so naive. thinking that waiting could change things. but now, i don't know. how long can i afford to wait, how long more can i put up with this pretence. how long more before you give me a definitive answer.

how long more before you realise that i may/may not be the one?

2010-09-14T21:27:00.002+08:00

i knew it.

i knew i'd regret it. but what's done has been done, what else can i do. i can't feel anymore. maybe that's what they call being numbed. i feel you moving away. the distance scares me yet consoles me at the same time.

i'm really sorry. i'm sorry for not learning how to let go, i'm sorry for not moving on, i'm sorry for holding on far too tightly, i'm sorry for bugging you when you're obviously too occupied to make time for me, i'm sorry for making myself a nuisance.

most of all, i'm sorry to myself, for not upholding the promise that i made, and for making myself break once again.

"what doesn't kill you make you stronger."
i agree, i feel stronger, i don't feel that much pain,
or maybe it's just that i can't feel anymore.

i'm sorry, for THINKING that i love you. this is not love, is it.
it's just a fucking infuation which lasted for years.

2010-09-13T22:25:00.002+08:00

i've always regretted doing things.

but they say, have no regrets. because at the point in time when you made the decision to do something, that decision was the best decision you thought you've made.

& technically that's true, because i always fail to foresee the consequences. come to think of it. maybe if we kept a further distance, everything will be much better. maybe if i could make him pissed at me (or something along that line), all would be much easier.

or maybe i should just delete him off msn, fb and phone. highly impractical, but highly effective imo. i'll regret it when i walk home alone at night, but it's for the best, no?

HOW DO YOU HOLD ON TO SOMEONE YOU'VE NEVER MET.

2010-08-27T00:17:00.003+08:00

mind over matter.

don't effing think about it already. divert yourself. divert your thoughts to the bad things. think about why you made that decision in the first place.

because you'll realise, you've been right all along.

nothing last forever, even friends are not for ever. but you know what, i'll prove that we can still be friends.

and zz. i still feel so misunderstood >:

2010-08-21T23:12:00.002+08:00

i'm upholding whatever dignity i have left.

i won't let myself down again, & no more u-turns for me. i'll be strong enough. like how a species must be deprotonated, i'll do my share of letting go.

& start studying please, myself. find your motivation.

ps. remember, dont.ever.fall.for.******.

2010-08-15T13:58:00.002+08:00

when things are meant to be, no matter what happens, they'll find a way to get together in the end.

but sometimes, the trigonometry rules apply:

parallel lines will never meet. (but then again, this isnt v relevant)

asymtotes will get extremely close but never meet.
(doesnt this explain a lot?)

or my personal favourite,

tangent lines that meet once and never meet anymore.

from what i can see, we're like tangents, but you guys are like normal lines/curves.
time to face reality, weini.

2010-08-07T14:35:00.000+08:00

i don't think about you as much as i did already.

let's hope uni life really helps.

2010-07-26T22:34:00.002+08:00

ohmygod just kill me already.

so all the promises were mere lies. you could have told me, you could have said something. why didnt you.

WHY DIDNT YOU.

just kill me already. the suspense is killing me NOWWWW.

2010-07-20T22:45:00.001+08:00

you know what. i am sick of you blowing hot and cold at me.
i'll reserve that soft spot in my heart for you.

but apart from that. no more.

weini, NO MORE YOU HEAR ME.

2010-07-13T22:14:00.002+08:00

i cant believe i actually downloaded that video.
i cant believe that i watched and rewatched it again and again.
and everytime i do that, i still laugh like an idiot.

i think im crazy.

i always am, but i never accepted the fact.

but i know i should move on and away. i dno why im still here, lingering around.
it's like i KNOW im not needed in your life.
but i still wish i was.

& i bet you dont remember me like how i rmb you.

slowly, i'll do it. i will.

2010-06-20T13:13:00.001+08:00

even my students show more concern than you.

this is bullshit.

2010-06-16T23:29:00.001+08:00

i still miss you.

everytime i'd convince myself that this is the best decision, and that i definitely made the right choice,

but after a while, or after a few days, im back to square one.

being friends? what a joke. but i thought i was rather clever. forcefully making myself your priority, at least until you found her.

whoever she is.

2010-06-06T19:29:00.002+08:00

this hurts terribly.

but i promised myself i'd walk away from all this. i was the one who was stupid in the beginning. so people really don't deserve 2nd chances after all.

i tried. i gave it my best shot.

ypl said, "let go of what you love. if it's meant to be yours, it'll eventually come back to you. if it doesnt, go after it with a shotgun."

i went after it with all the love that i've left. but it was futile.

i really really wish you all the best. you'll find another that deserves you, another one who's more worthy.

and i'd move on. i'll find another one. and then i'll marry him and have his children. and then i'd tell my children,

"see kids, i've once loved this man so so so so long."

2010-03-15T17:49:00.001+08:00

desperate times call for desperate measures :\

2010-02-17T21:56:00.000+08:00

i cannot help myself.

i am and have always been an emotional person.

2009-11-28T00:15:00.000+08:00

perhaps you should just consider shutting up.

there are people who are naturally popular, and some that will never be. you are trying too hard. and to hell with you. stop pissing me off.

2009-11-24T22:35:00.002+08:00

TREAT FOR WORSTIE.

okie dokes, proudly presenting :D

FIRST EYECANDY
SEC 2- SEC 3

ok if you manage to guess wrongly (i have no idea why), but its the guy on the extreme rightttt :D

LAST EYECANDY IN SEC SCHOOL
SEC 4 - JC 2

ok he looks soo much better in real life i swear :D WHO KNOWS YOU MIGHT SEE HIM THE NEXT TIME YOU TAKE 67.
and oh yea he was the reason why i was almost late for geog paper 2.

ps. did you realise both of them are wearing PURPLE :D

THE NOT SO PRETTIES.

ok hmm, check out the girl on the bottom right of the picture at the bottom. she is the one i was referring to in the karma post last time. and oh yea you can find ben's and tom's friend inside too.

& eh if you're gna tell me she's prettier than me, thanks BUT I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT. and, she's mean, thats why we dont like her. just to tell you, just in case you think im a superficial bitch who hates another girl just cuz of her looks.

:D mission accomplished. i think there's another eyecandy but i dont dare add him on fb so, ok no pictures. you know h2, you know h1 and you know h3. SEE NOT A LOT WHAT.

this must be the longest and most colourful post in this blog.

2009-11-18T22:00:00.003+08:00

i never thought i would be here again so soon.

i mean, this was the place i seeked refuge when stupid things cannot be up on the other place. technically, the less updated this is, the better im feeling.

this sucks. many days ago i was complaining about how moe doesnt want me. turns out they do. but bp still doesnt want their alumnus.

bukit VIEW secondary school.

i have 3 days to decide. to go or reject the offer. no offense but the more i stare at their cut off point, the more afraid i am. and bp is just different. no matter where you throw me, i'll fit in.

fck this. i should have stated clearly i only want to go back to bp. otherwise i dont even want the internship at all.

i dno why but im crying again. this is retarded. f myself.

2009-11-17T20:28:00.002+08:00

the hits here are increasing.

it should be a constant zero unless i personally visit.

so own up, whoever you are.

2009-11-15T10:45:00.001+08:00

you said i sounded angry and unhappy,
but you never learnt the reason behind it.

2009-11-01T22:29:00.002+08:00

i told myself i wouldnt think about you anymore.

but it is so hard when everything reminds me of you.

i wish i was exaggerating but im not.

this is not love, it's not.

2009-10-27T20:46:00.000+08:00

i really hate you.

other people have wonderful fathers who love them and appreciate what they have done, but not you.

no. all you did was to constantly remind me how stupid i was. how idiotic i am, how incompetent i will always be. and of course. all these, i took them in, without saying anything. but that doesnt mean that im blind and i am oblivious to what you said about me. dont we all have feelings? or is it just that i am really not your daughter. because nothing i do will make you happy anw. nothing, at all.

in your eyes, im just another mouth feed. i dread coming back home. if not for what happened last year, i wouldnt bother coming back home early at all. apart from those 2 little ones, there is nothing left for me to love.

maybe i should just leave.

you never gave me a complete home.

2009-10-15T22:42:00.002+08:00

i think i need to know what i'm doing.

i was so close to pouring everything out.
but why fight a losing battle right.

"you never know until you try."

this advice is meant for people who can actually make it.

not for a hopeless case.
no way.

2009-06-14T20:15:00.001+08:00

there is always a need to learn how to stand up after a fall.
and im proud to say i did it :D

2009-06-08T12:29:00.001+08:00

some people are so hypocritical.

and i think these people really suck.

nah i swear i dont bear grudges.

because some people are just not worth the trouble :D

2009-06-01T20:03:00.001+08:00

at times i really wish nothing matters to me.
this way its easier to let go,
and forget about the friendships,
so i wont be suffering alone.

2009-05-02T23:12:00.002+08:00

there is no wonder why some guys are termed as social butterflies.

i am so fcking disappointed in you.
sometimes i wonder if i was being made use of.

2009-04-26T22:53:00.001+08:00

i really thought i was happy.
until you said something that crushed my dreams.

flat.

i wish i could say i hate you.

2009-04-19T16:49:00.002+08:00

im saying hello to rain and thunderstorms;
and bye to sunshine.

this is bad,
not to mention wicked.

but im just feeling tired.
it's the same emotions as before, only less intense.

i need to learn how to read the signs.

if i say something more than once, i really mean it.

i will be the sunshine of sunshine;
it sounds better than embracing the rain.

2009-04-14T22:23:00.002+08:00

another upsetting day.
i hate biasness. especially when its not towards me ha.

teach me how to read the signs,
really.

2009-04-10T15:57:00.002+08:00

tear wells are dried.

life is just so unfair. nice people don't deserve such treatment.
they don't deserve to be upset when they did so much.

how i wish i was the casualty.
especially when it was down to the last 2 names in the list.

*
& i still do not know what wrong i've done to end up with her.

*
speaking of which,
i thought being there would make me happier.
but it didnt.
& i just dont feel the sense of belonging.

but yet i dont want anyone to see the vulnerable side of me.
i want to be the strong strong girl that everyone expects of me.
i really tried.

2009-04-08T23:07:00.001+08:00

maybe somethings should be left unsaid.

i'm struggling.

2009-04-06T22:41:00.001+08:00

i was feeling happy today.
until 2 things came crashing down on me.

no wonder they say happiness is short-lived.

2009-04-05T19:45:00.001+08:00

i thought i liked being a girl.

but come to think of it,
im a girl who gets jealous ever so easily.

maybe i really should stop getting jealous.

2009-04-02T23:52:00.000+08:00

everyone seems to think that i'm always happy.

why does no one understand that i have my fears too?

the sole reason behind all the bhb-ness is to make up for all the
insecurity
that i face.

my mirror, my self-proclamations of gorgeousness;
are all but a facade,
an attempt to hide all my flaws and insecurity.

maybe i'm better off alone.

2009-03-30T23:52:00.000+08:00

IM UPSET TODAY.

2009-03-22T00:07:00.001+08:00

i never thought it would hurt so bad.
this is what i call scarred for life.

as i reread the conversations, i realised i haven't gotten past everything at all. i thought i had; but in fact i haven't. everything that i did was merely a means to escape from what i do not want to face.

but as tears streamed down my face the night before, i understood it wasn't just betrayal i faced. it was a period of solitary and loneliness. not to mention hatred towards me. and the immense depression i felt everytime.

nevertheless, everything is over now. and they got their deserts. i really do pity you; you have nowhere to go now that everyone knows of your doings. just your stupid ridiculous desperate measures - but you succeeded; you made me cry.

alot.

2009-03-21T23:09:00.000+08:00

yup creation of a new blog: another facade. i am sick of pretending to be happy everyday. i am tired of looking as if i dont care. and im not going to keep quiet anymore.

thats why i am going to store all my flaming and unhappiness here, so the main blog will always be a happy one. no facades then (: